The purpose in writing this journal is that I am hoping it may help someone because they can relate as they may have just went through it themselves. But we all need to know what to expect should you or your spouse ever go through it. The entries made are mostly about my most emotional times. I wasn’t crying at all times, but I wanted to write down my feelings from the times when I was experiencing my strongest emotions in hopes to help someone know that they aren’t alone.
Here's my story:
I discovered that I was pregnant on Friday, August 14, 2009 and took another test the next day because I just couldn’t believe it. David couldn’t believe it either. The kids (Alan - 13, Charity - 10) thought we were kidding when we told them. I was shocked, but I was thrilled, too.
I was embarrassed to tell people because of my age (I’m 41) and I knew there would be remarks like “How old are you?” “How old is your youngest?” “You guys DO know what causes this, don’t you?” “Well, should I be happy or sad for you?” and the most common, silence then “Wow.” None of the remarks hurt my feelings, sometimes I even laughed, but it was embarrassing.
That silence and then “Wow” response was just how David responded. He was shocked for about a week, poor guy. He was so worried about paying for everything. I set about hunting bargains on stuff we’d need and was looking forward to the privilege of having another soft skinned baby to cuddle with. I bought a bassinette, a swing, a bathtub, bottles, lots of maternity clothes and other knick-knacks needed for caring for a baby. My dad bought me a stroller with a car seat (he got a good deal on it) and a glider with a foot stool (another good deal, Lavon, my dad's girlfriend, was a big help in finding these deals). My best friend, Melinda, was also looking for good deals for me and gave me a bunch of baby clothes and a monitor. I was happily making a home for our upcoming bundle of joy. This bliss lasted for only about 6 weeks. On Sept.28th, I started spotting. Then on the 30th, David’s birthday, I began bleeding and went in for an emergency ultrasound. I was 11 weeks pregnant.
I could see on the ultrasound technician’s face that something was wrong. She told me that I had what used to be referred to as a false pregnancy and is currently called an anembryonic gestation, meaning that I was only growing the placenta and amniotic sac, but there was no baby. Just as I had been preparing a home for a baby that wasn’t there in ignorant bliss, so my uterus was preparing a home for a baby that wasn’t there, also. The news hit me pretty hard and I had a good cry there at the office.
Dr. Cunningham was very sensitive. I highly recommend my doctor for anyone who is looking for a gyn/ob doctor. He’s personable, sensitive, and explains things very thoroughly. I was very scatter-brained when he was explaining things to me, but if I understand correctly, he said that when you conceive, the egg splits and then splits again. One of the four cells is the baby and the rest is the placenta, amniotic sac and everything else needed for the baby’s home while in the womb. Somehow, the baby cell slipped away from the other cells and the other cells implanted to my uterus and started growing. It took 11 weeks for my body to be convinced that there was no baby. He said that the causes for an anembryonic pregnancy is spontaneous. It just happens. He mentioned something about drinking cokes, but like I said, I was so scatter-brained, he may have been referring to what starts the miscarriage process.
I want everyone to know that I do not blame myself for the miscarriage. I immediately went to a no caffeine diet as soon as I discovered that I was pregnant. I can’t help what I did before I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Dr. C said that he only sees about 3 anembryonic pregnancies a year.
~~Dr. C then proceeded to tell me what to expect when the actually miscarriage happens. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that he explained it in such detail. I would have been scared to death! He explained that there would be cramping and gushes of blood and clots. There would be an astounding amount of blood. He said that I would be amazed at how much blood and clots come out from passing such a small amount of tissue (I’m sure that had there been a baby he would have used different terminology there). He assured me that this is all normal. He said that if I felt uncomfortable with passing so much blood to call him and he would do a DNC, but at my stage, it really was not necessary. He said that he was on call that weekend, so I should not hesitate to call if I needed him. He gave me a prescription for medicine to start taking when the heavy bleeding started and it would contract my uterus to make for a speedy process. I skeptically got the prescription. I was afraid that it would make the cramps worse, like pitocin makes contractions worse. He also gave me a prescription for a medicine to relieve the pain of the cramps. So, I was prepared for major cramping and major gushes of blood and clots.
~~I was fitful while sleeping that night, understandably, but I got up at 2:30 realizing that I was cramping. It was mild, though. It felt like a bowling ball was in my abdomen. I endured that until 4:00, when I finally realized that I should pray for the bleeding to start, because that would probably relieve the bowling ball feeling. I’m not kidding, as soon as I opened my mouth to pray for the bleeding to start, I felt the first gush of blood. I took the medicine he told me to take and later took some pain medicine, because the cramping wasn’t letting up.
~~When Dr. C told me that I would be astounded at the bleeding, he wasn’t kidding! It was amazing! Where did all this blood come from? Holy cow!!! I filled up more maxipads in four hours than I’d used in the last year! And still I had to keep changing clothes, flushing the toilet and I filled the bathroom’s trash can twice! I’d never experienced that much blood loss in my life! If Dr. C hadn’t have prepared me for this, I would have be terrified! I could not keep myself clean, so I took a shower, figuring that I’d have to take another in a few hours. That’s when I saw that I wasn’t just passing blood. I saw cream colored and clear tissue flowing down the drain. That was my placenta and amniotic sac. I was so busy cleaning up my mess and cleaning up my bottom that I never got emotional. I just simply didn’t have time. The heavy bleeding and passing large clots was over by nine o’clock, but I hung close to bathroom just in case. I put a mattress pad on my bed and took a much needed nap. The bleeding and passing small clots continued for days, but it never got bad again. The medicine did cause cramping, but for me, it was mild. I’m sure it’s different for other women. I’ve been blessed with not having much in the way of menstrual cramps.
To me, the physical part of the miscarriage was not as bad as I anticipated, but the emotional side to the miscarriage swept me away like a tsunami. I honestly believed that I would mourn for a couple of days and then get over it. I really thought I was that strong. I have learned a lot about myself since then.
I wish to take the next two paragraphs to advise husbands of wives who have miscarried (and help wives to have some understanding of their husbands, too). First of all, If your wife calls you and says she’s bleeding and going in for an emergency ultrasound, leave and go be with her immediately – even if she sounds like she’s fine or she gives you the choice of going or staying at work (or wherever you are). Though, she may not even realize it, your wife really needs you to be there when/if she gets the bad news. Wives, you need to be gentle, but assertive and let him know that you need him. He wants to be there for you and you will need him to be there.
Secondly, husbands, even though I know it’s hard for you to understand why a woman would grieve over a baby that wasn’t even there or wasn’t a part of her life for very long, please let her grieve. Don’t say things like “why in the world is this bothering you so much?” or “why can’t you just snap out of this? It’s been long enough!” BTW, David has never said such things to me, but I have heard of other husbands saying things like that. I personally do not have a problem with the fact that my husband was not looking forward to another baby like I was. We thought we were done and I knew that he was worried about finances and the fact that this kid was gonna graduate high school when David was to be reaching retirement age. So, I understand how he couldn’t help but feel relieved when I miscarried. My husband also had enough sensitivity to explain to me that even though he felt that way, he in no way wished for a miscarriage. A wife needs to be understanding that dads do not necessarily attach themselves to unborn babies like mothers do and should not be viewed as insensitive because of that, but husbands need to understand that as a baby attaches to a mother’s uterus, the baby also attaches to her heart, even when she finds out that there wasn’t even a baby there and/or even if the baby wasn’t there very long. To her, from the time she found out she was pregnant this baby was a real part of the family and was entitled to all benefits therein. So, she feels like she has lost a member of the family. That’s huge! Her feelings are legitimate. Even if you don’t feel the same way she does (which some dads feel the exact same way, I’m sure), you need to at least give her plenty of room and time to grieve. There may not be a lot that you can do to ease her pain, but just letting her grieve and letting her know that you understand is a lot. Doing housework helps, too.
As I said before, the miscarriage hit me emotionally much harder than I thought. Writing out the way I feel helps me better understand why I feel the way I do and thus cope with it. So, I started a journal and will continue to add to it in this blog. I’m letting people read it, in hopes that another woman, or her husband, will be helped.
Friday, Oct. 2, 2009 – This was the hardest day (or I certainly hope it was). I was taking my maternity clothes and all of my baby stuff to the church for the yard sale that was I having the next week at the church. I wanted to get it all out of my sight. It hit me much harder than I thought it would:
My grief over this miscarriage is much more severe than I anticipated. I’m experiencing feelings like that of when my mom died. I really do feel like I’ve lost a member of my family and although everyone has been so thoughtful and caring and compassionate almost to the point of embarrassment, I feel that I’m suffering silently and alone. No one else is truly mourning the passing of my child.
I really didn’t think it would be like this. There wasn’t a dead baby. I never saw this child. I don’t know whether I had a son or a daughter. I have no memories of times we’d spent together. I have no idea what he/she looks like or anything of his/her personality. So, why the mourning?
The old song from Wes King “We Thought You’d Be Here By Now” comes to mind with it’s one line of “I never knew how I could miss someone I’ve never met.” And I never knew that my feelings for this stranger could be so strong.
Saturday, Oct 3, 2009
Since I’ve never been a poet, the words to songs come to my mind and I keep singing them to myself, because it speaks so much of the way I feel. Russ Staff’s “I Cry” has been lingering in my head for days. “Oh, the comfort that you bring when nothing else reaches inside. Sympathetic friends are all around. Their soothing words fall to the ground. But in the silence, I feel You here with me. I cry, and You’re the one who hears me calling. I fall so easily, but You’re there to catch me, say the words that heal me. I’m safe when I’m with You. You touch my eyes, I can see.” Bryan Duncan has a song that he wrote when his son died called “You Don’t Leave Me Lonely” that says “Jesus, keep my longing heart from breaking clean in two. Oh, stand by me, Lord, and help me see this through. 'Cause a Father knows how bad it feels to lose someone, to lose someone, to lose a son like you....you don’t leave me lonely, you leave me longing for you.”
Ya know, I don’t want to just drown in my emotions and I tried to just deny my feelings for the first couple of days, but I’ve since discovered that you just can’t get over, under or around these feelings. You have to go through it and through it I’m going. I hate this part! It’s times like this that I almost wish I were Vulcan, lol! How do people who don’t know God make it in times like these? This journal is helping me tremendously, but I have been running to God and my times of prayer have been times of crying, just crying. God understands that language very well.
For some reason, I just can’t cry to David. I just don’t want him to worry about me and I know that he doesn’t feel the same way as I do about the baby. The kids don’t either. I feel alone, but I don’t want them to hurt with me, either. God is my refuge. David’s mom called today and she cried with me. Poor thing, I was wondering how grandparents feel. She and my dad were looking forward to another grandbaby.
Sunday, Oct. 4, 09
I woke up in a bad mood this morning. I didn’t know why at the time, but I was really having to work hard to fight off the urge to throw things or bang things around or bite someone’s head off. I kept telling myself that there was no reason for my anger and I needed to snap out of it. I finally just prayed and that pretty well did the trick. I told David that I was really dreading going to church. I just didn’t want people flocking around me and telling me how sorry they were and making me cry. I really am appreciative that folks love me, but I just didn’t want to have to talk about it. I think that’s what I was really angry about, though dreading something shouldn’t cause feelings of anger.
I usually go to church at about 9:30 in the morning, but I decided I’d wait until the last minute today, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with people much. It’s funny how we sometimes dread the very thing we need.
There are always times when I feel tired or I’ve been busy and distracted before the worship service and I just don’t feel like worshipping. But, when you love someone, you do what you ought to do for them anyway, whether you feel like it or not. And when you make yourself do it, the feelings follow and you’re so glad you did the right thing. I love the Lord and I will worship Him whether I feel like it or not, but this morning’s worship service was the hardest I’ve ever experienced – as far as focusing on worshipping God. Bro. Steve had challenged us to boldly worship this morning. I boldly worship at every service, making every effort to concentrate on the object of my affection. But, this morning I sometimes found myself just swaying back and forth and staring at the words on the screen. I kept thinking about the events of the week. I’d snap out of it and force myself to lift my hands and sing unto the Lord, but I’d lose my focus again and just sway and stare.
I felt such an urge to cry, and I thought to myself “No! I will not cry! No! No! No!” I felt like the Lord was asking “Diane, why don’t you just let yourself cry?” My response was “Because I don’t want to cry my makeup off and I don’t want everyone to see me cry and make everyone worry about me and they’ll flock around me and dote over me. It’s just embarrassing!”
I felt like the Lord responded “So, you don’t want to cry because you don’t want to remove your mask and let anyone see you. Look around at these women. Do you think that none of these women have experienced the same thing you have? Don’t you think that it would be a blessing to them to minister to you? You should allow your family to know how you feel.”
At that point, I felt like I might be sinning to not cry and yet I still could not cry until we took communion and the speaker talked about how communion is having common union with the rest of the body of Christ in our church family. I also remembered that Jesus gave his body to be whipped for our HEALING. This is when I was finally able to cry. Later, a couple of ladies came to me and just hugged me and cried with me. This is what God wanted and what I needed. Oh, I’m such a stubborn kid, but I serve a God with a stubborn love.
Later, our family went to dinner with Steve and Sarah. I was amazed at Sarah, not knowing the “conversation” I had with the Lord that morning. She said something to the effect of how she used to try to hide her feelings and not cry in church and that it was nothing short of pride. Wow! I have been feeling alone in this grief because of my pride. I didn’t want to get all emotional in front of my own husband because I didn’t want him to worry about me. So, I’d try to act strong in his presence. I was doing the same thing with my church family. It never occurred to me that I was doing this because I was so full of something that God detests – Pride! Taking that mask down and letting people see me doesn’t make people worry about me, it makes them have access to love me and help me. It’s beneficial to them as well as myself. I hope this speaks to someone. This lesson can be applied in many areas of a person’s life.
Tuesday October 6, 2009
It’s getting easier, praise God! I still cry, but not so much. I cried yesterday when I discovered that I had forgotten to put the bulletin out in the foyer Sunday morning. I was so scatter-brained, that even though I printed it up and folded it up and put the yard sale flyer in there all nice and neat and ready for Sunday morning, I forgot to put it out in the foyer! I guess no one pointed it out to me, because of the miscarriage (though David said one person mentioned it as I walking by. I never heard him). I was so amazed at how I could forget something important like that. Good grief, I know I’m hurting and I can’t quit thinking about it, but what else will I drop the ball at? David is so sweet, he said “You had a rough week, cut yourself some slack.” Well, I suppose I should just pick myself up and not do something like that again. I can’t change that mistake, but I’ll try not to do something like that (or worse) again.
On a different note, when Mom died, I found it therapeutic to “talk” to her. I told her stuff that I never had the nerve to tell her when she was alive. That I love her more than I realized I did when she was alive and lots of other more personal stuff. You may find it better to write a letter. I thought about doing that, but I have instead just “talked” to my baby. I said the usual – I love you, I sure miss you, when I get to heaven I’ll have amazing bragging rights, etc. But the one thing I think might help other women (because it certainly helped me) is letting the baby know that it’s okay that he is in Heaven and not in my womb. (From this point forward, I will refer to the baby as a boy, because I don’t like using “he/she” for when I’m talking about the baby and from day one I felt that the baby was a boy)
I view myself as fairly optimistic. I try to do as David in the scriptures did when he was down, encourage myself. I’ll tell myself to look on the bright side – “Now that I’m not pregnant, I can…” fill in the blank – afford to go out to eat, since there’s no medical bills, drink caffeinated beverages, because I won’t hurt the baby, go to the Ramp in Alabama later on this month, because I can now afford it, and I can fit into my blue jeans again, since I’m no longer expanding. But with each of these instances of looking on the bright side, my response has always been “…but, I’d rather have my baby.” There is only one instance that I didn’t respond that way – the question of “Would you rather have your baby or be in God’s plan?” Ya know, you just can’t argue with God. I would not want to get out of God’s will for my life to have my baby back, but more importantly is God’s plan for my baby.
So, as I “talked” to my baby, I told him that as much as it ripped my heart out to lose him, I bring him to the Lord like Hannah brought Samuel to Eli the priest to grow up in the temple. There is nothing else I have found to help me deal with the pain better than this. I believe that my baby is fulfilling a purpose in Heaven that God specifically designed him for and I will certainly have those bragging rights when I get up there! What a privilege it is for him to not have to live on Earth, but be birthed in Heaven. He is being taught the oracles of God by the angels, themselves.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Also, when “talking” to my baby, I told him that there won’t be a day go by that I won’t think about him. You never get over a thing like this, but it’s been a week today and I already am to the point to where I can talk about it without crying….well, at least most of the time. I priced the maternity clothes and baby items yesterday for the yard sale that the church is having this Saturday without shedding one tear. That’s incredible! That’s God! There’s a lot of people praying for me. Thank you for those prayers, they are working! I begged God to help me when it came time to price all that stuff and then sell it all at the yard sale this Saturday. He is faithful. People have been telling me that I’m strong and will pull through this quickly. The truth is that if I did not go crying to God, there is no way I’d be strong enough to even stand. So, if you are going through any sort of grief, run to God. “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the LORD; He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I am trusting Him.” Psalm 91:1-2 NLT. I will take this grief one day at a time and God will be my refuge.
I want to also mention a few other things that happened this week. First, last Wednesday, I was able to talk to my sister-in-law, Ashley, whom I’d remembered having a miscarriage in her second trimester. I told her that I can’t imagine how much that would hurt. I didn’t even have a baby to see or name or anything. After that conversation, she wrote me a sweet, timely, and soothing letter telling me that whether a miscarriage is early on or farther along, it hurts the same and she was praying for me. I just wanted to say thanks, Ashley. That letter really helped.
Melinda took me to lunch and gave me cards from her, her mother, and the ladies in the office where she works. She’s been asking me everyday how I’m doing. I feel like I can be honest with her and that she really cares. Thanks, Melinda. You truly are my BEST friend.
Lastly, I want to mention that a boy that goes to my church, Joshua, felt like he needed to pray for me on the way to church last Sunday, so his mom prayed with him for me, but then she strongly felt that Joshua was supposed to go to me and pray with me. He was pretty shy about it, but we both encouraged him and he did very well. Thanks, Joshua! I know that wasn’t easy for you, but it really blessed me.
Thanks for everyone who’s been praying for me. I really needed it and still need it. My heart’s still pretty raw, but heals more everyday.
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